One of my uncles died at the weekend. Completely unexpected.
I'm not sure if I have fully accepted this yet or if I'm dealing with it in a weird way. Like, I barely even think about it during the day and then when I'm lying in my bed (much like I am now) it hits me and I realise that this is real. And then I think about everything that I've done and I think about how each day could be the end and all I want to do is sit and mope about how I've fucked up at times. Is it selfish? Definitely. But I can't help it. If I think too much about what has happened then I get sad and miserable and I don't want to be sad and miserable.
I'm no saint. I've dived headfirst into things I shouldn't have, I've said stuff I should DEFINITELY not have said. I don't know if this is still shock and partial mis-comprehension on my part on how to deal with death but I'm suddenly finding myself in a bizzarre state wherein everything is my fault and I know it isn't. I'm not talking about petty squabbles. I'm talking more along the lines of karma. I had this completely stupid and selfish notion that I causes what happened to happen by making stupid and immature comments about things that shouldn't be joked about. I know it isn't my fault and that unfortunately these things happen but still I get these thoughts that eventually every dickish move I've ever pulled is coming back to haunt me. It's hard to put into words. I'm trying my best but I can't seem to be able to phrase my thoughts quite correctly. I'm ultimately in a state of total ignorance and obliviousness to everything with varying degrees of anger at small things (I nearly kicked my lawnmower cutting grass earlier for no reason other than the cables were tangled) to a near complete shutdown of me doing anything and pretty much staring at a blank screen for a while.
Am I a horrible person for any of this? I just get this overwhelming feeling of I'm a monster right now and I don't know what to do.
