State of The Union Address

I find it easier to scrawl down my thoughts on this than to talk to people. It's not normal for a person to feel like this, is it?

I've been on autopilot a lot recently, I'm just moving from day to day with no purpose or meaning. I get up, I do what needs to be done then I sleep. Nothing exciting, new or remotely challenging. It's a weird point that seeing as I obviously have things that challenge me (two uni resits to be precise) but even then they can be boiled down into something that seems easy. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I think TOO much.

The worst part of all of this is that these feelings have been worse since my uncle died. I think it is affecting me more than I thought it did. I wasn't necessarily close with him. I spoke to him on the few times I seen him. I didn't speak ill of him like I've done with the rest of my uncles from that side of the family. I don't miss him. I don't.  It is a weird state. I've not really experienced death before. Relatives died when I was younger but I don't remember too much about then. It was my first funeral. I seen his coffin carried into the parlour. I've never seen that before.

On top of all of this I'm getting the feeling that I'm the elephant in the room for my friends. There are times where I am perfectly fine then there are times like just now where there is a group of 6 + me. Guess who is sitting by themselves.

Yup. Me.

It happens a lot. I get two or three people asking if I am okay (to my face anyways) but it is always a brief "I'm fine" then I wave them away. I don't think people know how to deal with me when I'm like this. Fuck, I don't know how to handle me when I'm like this. Usually I can block myself away from the world but I can't keep doing this. I feel as though I'm just being stupid and selfish and a little bitch really but at the same time it's not the first time I've felt like this. It just happens more frequently now and I don't like it but I don't know who to talk to about it

I Just Need To Get A Thought Out

One of my uncles died at the weekend.  Completely unexpected.

I'm not sure if I have fully accepted this yet or if I'm dealing with it in a weird way. Like, I barely even think about it during the day and then when I'm lying in my bed (much like I am now) it hits me and I realise that this is real. And then I think about everything that I've done and I think about how each day could be the end and all I want to do is sit and mope about how I've fucked up at times. Is it selfish? Definitely. But I can't help it. If I think too much about what has happened then I get sad and miserable and I don't want to be sad and miserable.

I'm no saint. I've dived headfirst into things I shouldn't have, I've said stuff I should DEFINITELY not have said. I don't know if this is still shock and partial mis-comprehension on my part on how to deal with death but I'm suddenly finding myself in a bizzarre state wherein everything is my fault and I know it isn't.  I'm not talking about petty squabbles. I'm talking more along the lines of karma. I had this completely stupid and selfish notion that I causes what happened to happen by making stupid and immature comments about things that shouldn't be joked about. I know it isn't my fault and that unfortunately these things happen but still I get these thoughts that eventually every dickish move I've ever pulled is coming back to haunt me. It's hard to put into words. I'm trying my best but I can't seem to be able to phrase my thoughts quite correctly. I'm ultimately in a state of total ignorance and obliviousness to everything with varying degrees of anger at small things (I nearly kicked my lawnmower cutting grass earlier for no reason other than the cables were tangled) to a near complete shutdown of me doing anything and pretty much staring at a blank screen for a while.

Am I a horrible person for any of this? I just get this overwhelming feeling of I'm a monster right now and I don't know what to do.

So..Um..Yeah. How About This Then?

So hi. Remember this? Started out as a place where I'd post thoughts and slid into stupid bitching quite quickly?

Do you even remember it Alan?

Shut up me.

So yeah. I used my blogging powers for bad and used it to basically be an attack force for the keyboard gangsta in me.

Who says gangsta anymore?

I do. Anywho, I never planned for any of that to happen. It just did. Took some time away, sorted out some stuff and now I'm back and better than ever.

With only two blog posts left, who can disagree with you?

Apparently I can, red text version of me that makes me look like an absolute weirdo but hey, I like it.

Not really got much else to say right now. Might pop back later with a blog about something.

For now, here is some plugs of stuff I do/I'm taking part in!

TEW dynasties!

Gureisu Pro A.K.A. Alan Sees PWG/CHIKARA stuff work and try and replicate it with fictional characters!
EWCW A.K.A. Alan gets annoyed with Ryland killing Europe and decides to bring the fun characters back!

#CallingSpotsX7

A live tweet extravaganza on Sunday 31st March. Join me and other Twitter users as we live tweet Wrestlemania X7, set up by the wonderful folks at Calling Spots. All you need to do is click the link that will follow this sentence! #CallingSpotsX7

Way to go Alan, you've successfully sold out.

Shush, I'm helping a community here.

Difficult Second Post Syndrome - A Collection of Random Musings

I have a lot to write (type?) about but they don't connect. RANDOM MUSINGS TIME!

RM1) I hate bus drivers. Shallow minded pricks (apart from one or two) who only exist to show how and why humanity is probably hated through out the galaxy. How freaking hard is it to drive a bus between Point A and Point B and be on time.

RM2!) I must be one of the only people in the world who doesn't mind spiders. I don't see what everyone's problem with spiders is. The normal household ones (that you eat eight of in your sleep) won't kill you. Or even harm you. And everytime you kill one, Peter Parker cries. DO YOU WANT TO MAKE HIM CRY?

Musing 3.0) I wish I stayed in America. Only for CHIKARA. And Cibernetico. Team Kingston vs Team Steen excites me more than 1D excite 7 year olds. It'll be amazing and I hope it is on iPPV so I can watch it.

Musing 4!) ....I thought I had a lot to type about. Making blogs is hard when it is before ten in the morning and when I need to go to uni in like half an hour. Grr. I wish Killie had a uni.

5) All good lists are divisible by 5. Remember this and your life will be a success.

The Start of A Beautiful E-Friendship?

I'm kinda new to this whole blog thing. I have to write one for uni. I'm going to keep that professional. This will be the blog which is more like what I want from a blog, my personal opinions on anything and everything.  Be it from what I'm listening to (Jack White's Blunderbuss album, it's such a fantastic album and I will argue anyone who says otherwise.) to what I feel like doing (most of the time it will be nothing. I might shock once a month and actively do something.) Hopefully one day this stream of thought will make sense to someone but for now, goodbye.